The devil within me is difficult to deal with considering I am on a first name basis with Jesus. The devil’s name is alcohol and drug abuse and this devil plays havoc with my personality.
My husband and children know that they can talk to me about what my substance abuse did to them. Thankfully they don’t bring it up often. Recently I have had discussions with my youngest daughter and my husband concerning how I behaved when I was using. They both talked about incidents when I thought I was acting fine and I wasn’t. Apparently I did some things that weren’t very nice and the funny thing is I prided myself on being a nice person during those times. My daughters both claim that when I am using my voice changes into something bordering on evil. I am manipulative and sneaky according to them. My husband describes me as nasty and needing attention.
The more I learn about how I am when I am not clean and sober, the more afraid I become. I see myself as easy to get along with, nice not argumentative, outgoing and a good mother and wife. I am none of these things and I am appalled. I have been around the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous for 25 years and still I have not learned that I have no control over my addiction.
What has come from learning these things about me is that I now have a powerful tool to fight my addiction. I do not want to be the person I am when I am using. I struggle so hard to be in control when I am using when the reality is I do not have to struggle to be in control when I am clean and sober. I can just be the person I am and apparently she is “wonderful” to quote my husband.