My love affair with pain medication rages on as I found out the other day. I have not craved any pain medication in a while. I wasn’t foolish enough to think I didn’t have a problem with it anymore but I didn’t want it all the time either.
The other day I was put into a situation where I had access to pain medication. I was unprepared for the violent reaction I had to seeing those pills. I became agitated and angry and I began to cry. I was torn between wanting to take “just one” and wanting to run as far away from them as possible. Fortunately I was with someone who is supportive of my dedication to sobriety and she allowed me to verbalize how I was feeling.
I came out of that situation knowing two things; my addiction can show up when I least expect it. No matter how much I try to divorce myself from pain medication it can suddenly be in front of me and I have to be prepared for it. The second thing is that I still want to take it and I thought it was behind me. After all this time I still don’t get that it controls me, I don’t control it.
One of the things I counsel recovering alcoholics and addicts about is vigilance with this disease. We have to have our eyes wide open all the time armed with the tools we need to stay sober. Yet in one moment all of my vigilance was gone and I was reduced to what I really am; an addict.