I am powerless is a hard thing to come to terms with. It doesn’t matter if it is alcohol, drugs, food or cigarettes. I have battled all of these addictions at one time or the other in my life much to my dismay. I wake up in the morning filled with renewed strength to succeed and by mid morning I have failed or I am close to giving in. I have quit all of these things only to return to them. I have been to therapists and spiritual advisors to ascertain just what it is that drives me. When I look at my life I see all the good things I have. I have a wonderful husband, great kids and beautiful grandchildren. I have a nice home and a vehicle and enough money to take care of my basic needs with a few non-necessities thrown in sometimes.
Years ago I had a sponsor that told me when she first heard me speak in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting; she looked at me and thought what a waste. She meant that I had so much going for me that it was a shame that I was an addict and an alcoholic. She knew the hell I had put myself through and wondered how I could care so little about myself. I would never treat another human being the way I have treated myself.
I am beginning to think the problem is that I still think I have some control over my addictions. To wake in the morning thinking that today is the day I will quit whatever I am struggling with, suggests that I think I have a choice. When I fail to make it to mid-morning I hate myself for yet another failure. This begins the vicious circle. I am powerless though I still don’t think I am.
Maybe it is time to stop fighting the addictions. Maybe if I admit that I have no control, I may actually begin the process of getting control. Is it possible that all the fighting and struggling has been my problem all along? It may have nothing to do with past childhood issues or things that have hurt me as an adult. It could just be that part of my make up is that I have an addictive personality just like having green eyes and brown hair. I can change my green eyes with contact lenses and my brown hair with L’Oreal. I will still have green eyes and brown hair underneath it all. I have just changed it for a while. I can’t change my addictions either; however I can take steps to live life differently for a while or a whole life time. In the serenity prayer it talks about accepting what we can’t change and changing what we can. I will always be an alcoholic and an addict and knowing that and accepting it may just be my ticket to freedom.